How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
