so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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