So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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