I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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