Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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