i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
vagina is talking i cant
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
