I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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