and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
