NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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