I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
