Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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