FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
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