A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
