I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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