um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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