got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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