i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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