you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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