I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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