I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
