she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
