I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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