Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
