$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
