dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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