I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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