When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
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The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I wear drunk well.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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