Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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