I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
