If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
how does that bad decision feel?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
