If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
