so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
