I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
