hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
