the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
the day after is always just damage control
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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