Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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