I need help removing her.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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