Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
