i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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