My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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