WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
