I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
