Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
