He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
