Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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