How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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