So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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