When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i've created a new STD.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
