he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
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Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
dude. I can hear the air.
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