as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
