you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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