I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
