How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Sorry my hands just texted you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
