I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
the day after is always just damage control
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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