Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
