11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
