The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
