I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.