I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
